Germany, Part 1: Berlin

Early in November, Danny and I tagged along on Josh's work trip. Josh took a week long brewing course at Versuchs- und Lehranstalt für Brauerei (VLB) in Berlin, which is one of the most famous brewing schools in the world. We were throwing around the idea of whether hanging out for a week in Germany alone with a baby would be fun for me or not. I mentioned this to my mom, and casually said, "you know you could come hang out with me if you wanted"..... and I was pleasantly surprised that her and my dad were both on board.

The itinerary in a span of 14 days was: Berlin, Leipzig, and Frankfurt.

We arrived Saturday evening very late, got to know our neighborhood on Sunday, and Monday Josh started the course.

When we left Shanghai, the weather was still pretty warm, barely "sweatshirt weather." I was so happy to see in Berlin it was full on fall, with Christmas right around the corner.  We rented a nice little two bedroom apartment on a colorful block surrounded by Turkish restaurants.

He's so excited because he found Turkish baklava

 Mom, Dad, Danny, and I came up with a list of things to see while Josh was in class. We wanted to be realistic, since ultimately, Danny's the one that calls the shots. Throughout the week, we managed to go to the Berlin Zoo and the DDR Museum. The rest of the time was filled with playing, walking, napping, eating, and shopping. No complaints here.

Berlin Zoo

I'm not necessarily a zoo person. I could take it or leave it. Although, I've heard horror stories about the inhumanity of the Shanghai Zoo, so I'm glad that Danny's first experience to a zoo was in Berlin. I enjoyed the crisp clean air and the colorful leaves so much. This is what fall is supposed to look like.

Our day at the zoo was extra pleasant because on a Tuesday, hardly anyone was there. Thank the Lord for so much personal space!

Daniel and the lions!

This is a new experience for him

Loving time with Grandpa and Grandma

DDR Museum

DDR is the German acronym for Deutsche Demokratische Republik (German) or German Democratic Republic

The museum was smaller than expected. I'm sure I would have appreciated it more if I knew my German history better. It was peek into life in East Germany (1949-1990) I had to cut my visit short due to a very inconsiderate screaming baby ;)

We ate in the museum's restaurant. Having no clue what to get, we asked the waitress for her recommendation. Hot dog and fries and spam and tomato sauce on pasta. We all decided that we don't care so much for East German food!

This and That

Like I said before, we didn't want to pack too much in because of the baby. I was very apprehensive about this whole traveling with a baby thing because don't they tell you "wait to have kids so you can travel." I don't recall anyone telling me to "travel with kids." But having two full time helpers sure made it easier!

 I felt like it was really hard to take a bad picture in Berlin. Everything was so pretty in its own way.

Berlin Cathedral

Josh's course was Monday through Friday. We had all of Saturday to see all the things that he wanted, so it was busy, busy, busy.

Sightseeing Saturday

We visited the site of the Berlin Wall (reconstruction) 25 years (and one day) since it came down! When we were walking around the city, balloons marked the perimeter of where the wall once stood. There was a stage set up behind Brandenburg Gate where performers were preparing for a concert that evening.

I guess this one's obvious

Brandenburg Gate

Checkpoint Charlie

Balloons marking the used-to-be Berlin Wall

Concert Preparation

Berlin Victory Column

Charlottenburg Palace

Berlin was a success!

We felt good about the sights we saw in Berlin, though there is so much more to see! The city had a good vibe, and I hope we can visit again.

Not-so-early on Sunday morning, we packed up our bags, taxied to the train station, and took a train to Leipzig......

Thanks, kid.

I don't think blabbing about everything I'm thankful for will prove my gratitude. Ask anyone on the street what they're thankful for, copy and paste here. Done. You all know what I'm thankful for.

However, I've been doing a lot a lot a lot of soul searching lately. Also, I've been doing a lot a lot a lot of complaining about China. I'm surprised my eyes can still focus for as much as I roll them. Let's be honest guys. I HATE IT HERE. I hate it. I hate living here.

whew. I'm glad that's off of my chest.

They say having kids changes you. My mom has said it to me my whole life, "You wait and see, things change when you have kids. Everything is different. You'll see." (You were right, Mom.) She also said having kids was the best. How could it not be? Look how awesome I am. ;)

From the moment after my son was born, I discovered how clueless I was about life. Maybe it's a similar feeling when Adam and Eve realized they were naked all along. But really, we brought Danny home, and I was like: Holy crap! I'm in charge of this human being! So first there's panic, then exhaustion, then more panic, then more exhaustion. So the silver lining of this cycle is that the exhaustion is so overwhelming that I'm too tired to get so wound up anymore. Back in the day, living in Korea, I remember wallowing in homesickness. I thought life was so hard. I miss my family, I miss my dog, Life in Korea is hard. Yeah. Maybe in North Korea. Teaching in South Korea for ONE year was a piece of cake. It was fun, I made friends, I had life experiences. But I still managed to complain and brood in the shallowest of crap. Seriously? I'm embarrassed to even admit it to you now.

I would love to give credit to being older and wiser since 4 years ago. But, I'm straight up going to give credit to exhaustion.

Comparing situations, my life in Shanghai may be (a tad bit) harder than living in Cheongju because we are in a different position now, i.e. we have a kid. As much as I hate living in Shanghai, I'm too tired to be depressed and dwell on it. I think the old me would be really mopey. But ain't nobody got time for that with a kid. He's in to everything. All the time. What a huge misconception I had about stay-at-home moms. I was thinking, yeah, I know it's hard work. But it can't be that hard. Ha ha ha. Wrong again. Dearest moms, aunts, and grandmas: I took your advice. I freaking sleep when that baby sleeps. It's like my life depends on it.

But he sure is cute, right? And sweet. And I love him. Oh my gosh, do I love him!

Blah blah blah. I'm thankful for all the things. But here's a twist:

I'm really thankful that this little ball of sunshine came into my world because of his insane ability to fully exhaust me and rejuvenate me at the same time. It makes living here manageable. He's given me perseverance.  I have a new perception about the speed of time and splendor of life because of him. Nearly a whole year has gone by in his life and I'm in denial. Though this Shanghai chapter seems never ending, I know it will finish. One day, I'll wake up in disbelief that it's over. Danny's there to remind me as he grows up, that everything is temporary and passes in a flash. Thanks for your superpowers, kid.

Note to self: Be Positive

I'm such a lame blogger recently. One reason is that I have very little alone time. Babies are hard. Who knew?!

And the second reason I haven't blogged much: when I do sit down to write I think, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. This is seriously why I haven't been updating the blog. I'm afraid it will turn into a China-hating vent-fest. I'll spare you. No one needs that. For now, just know this: Year three in Shanghai has been hard. I know it's no secret.

It's taking everything I have to stay positive. I'm telling you, I love writing. I love blogging. I wish I had enough "positive" material to write about multiple times a week, but I'm a bit discouraged.

I guess until then, maybe I'll just post some throwbacks to a happier time in Korea. :/

Jet-lagged Baby

We've arrived in Germany!

Now we're in Berlin. Josh is taking a week long brewing course, while Danny and I explore the city with my parents. I'm so so so excited. Of course there's the obvious. I'm excited to see a new country and I'm excited to see my family. But I am SO STINKING HAPPY to be out of China. Like, can I say it a hundred more times? I'm loving the fresh air and personal space here. It's totally awesome and under-appreciated.

I was nervous about how the flight would go. We were so fortunate to have zero hiccups along the way. The worst of it was Danny crying for maybe 10 minutes out of the 11+ hour flight. No poop explosions, no lost baggage, no missed connecting flights. We showed up to the apartment we had rented, and within a few minutes, there my parents were coming down the street to greet us.

Yesterday was our first full day here. It's great to not have any structured plans, because anyone with kids knows that the baby calls the shots. He was pleasant. Woke up around 4:30 am, took a nap at 7, was happy and playful all day until 3:30pm. I decided it was a good time for a nap, but in his Shanghai mind, it was bedtime. You can imagine my mistake trying to wake him back up at 5. Lesson. Learned. He cried, he whined, he rubbed his eyes, he wailed. I had created a monster!

All the while, we had adults trying to come up with the solution to pacify him. Maybe he should listen to soft music, maybe he should be nursed, maybe he should go for a walk, maybe he would like a toy.

Josh and I wanted to stick to our plan of trying to keep him up a bit longer so he could start to switch time zones. But, we weren't too pumped to listen to a crying baby for who knows how long. I was dealing with a stomachache as well, which made everything seem worse.

In the end, I caved. Let him nurse for as long as he wants, and if he falls asleep, let him sleep until he wakes up again. And he was up again at 4 am, already napping by 7. Who knows what the day holds. So many people are intimidated by traveling with a baby. It's not a big deal. It's hard and it's exhausting. Things will go wrong. But it's okay.

A jet-lagged baby is okay. Whoever said you get to sleep when you have a baby anyway? You might as be somewhere cool while you miss out on sleep.

Hollywood

There's some exciting news in my family right now. Have you seen the previews for the new David Fincher film, "Gone Girl" yet? He did those films, "Fight Club" and "The Social Network." Oh no big deal. My brother just totally helped work on that movie as a photographer's assistant. I'm super proud of him. Here's a local article about Aaron: Daily Egyptian link

I haven't seen it yet, and I'm pretty sure it will not be released in China. But what I've been told, it's very dark, as is the novel by Gillian Flynn. It's definitely rated R.

My brother started working on the film when they were on location in southern Missouri. He has since moved to Los Angeles to continue production. He's currently living in LA working on various projects. Don't worry, I've already got dibs on being his date to the Oscars. ;)

Increase Productivity in One Easy Step!

Delete Facebook.

Yep, it was that easy for me.

I'm not anti-Facebook by any means. I know a lot of people have an opinion about how it doesn't respect your privacy or whatever. Here's a tip for that: Don't post so much personal information in the first place. Am I right?

But really, I found myself just randomly "checking" Facebook throughout my days. Living on the other side of the world, it's pretty dead because everyone back home is sleeping. Out of habit, I'd just randomly sit down at the computer, look at Facebook.... every 20-30 minutes. What the heck?! Not anymore. I'll have my life back now, thank you.

For months I was beating myself up for not being a super mom. Why can't I take care of the baby, keep the house clean, and cook dinner every night? Oh wait. I totally can do that. Just eliminate the biggest distraction known to mankind! Mission: Accomplished.

I'm hoping with this Facebook hiatus, I will not only be more productive, but also blog more. I'm embarrassed at how little I've blogged while in China. I was posting every other week in Korea. Here it's been such a lull. Maybe now I'll have the inspiration. I'm going to get out and do more things; I'm going to read more, make crafts, exercise, write, see friends. Bring on the life experiences, I'm game!

It was a hard decision to get off of Facebook because it really is the main mode of communication with everyone at home. So, I messaged the few that I talk to regularly, exchanged email addresses, and said, "See you later." I know those closest to me check my blog, have my email, and can text me via WeChat.

I made cupcakes for the first time since moving to China two+ years ago.

Hooray Productivity!

Top Ten: things I miss about home

Instead of giving you my list of the top 100+ things I hate about Shanghai, I'm going to be sentimental. I'm going to tell you the top ten things I miss about home: St. Louis - the Midwest - America. For the great things about Shanghai, click HERE.

Frankly, I'm very, very homesick. Year Three in China is wearing on me something fierce.

10. american traditions and patriotism - I'm not getting into politics about governments and which is better. However, I miss the American pride. Yeah, things are jacked up. But America is my home, I miss it. And I miss how Americans celebrate our country. Even though people have different stances on war, I love how everyone respects those who've served our country. I miss the American holidays. I love that businesses are closed on Christmas. In China, Christmas is just another day and just an excuse to put a Santa Claus decal in your window. I miss the traditional foods that go along with said holidays and events. Pumpkin in the fall, sugar cookies in the winter. Which brings me to the next one...

9. food - you may be surprised that this isn't number one on my list. I do talk about food a lot after all. But no, in the grand scheme of things, it's not the most important. But you know what? Never again will I take for granted the ability to go to the grocery store and buy any and every comfort food my little heart desires. I have to roll my eyes when I see people so set on their "whatever-free" diets. I'm over here like, give me anything that's not Chinese food! And here's something to think about: which is worse? Not having comfort food available at all? Or knowing that it is within arm's reach but costs 5x what it does back home? Seriously... every time I go to City Shop, I find myself eying the $16 small box of Life cereal. It just sits there taunting me. I hate it.

8. owning a car - As much as I raved about public transportation, I do miss having a car. I'm finding that as D gets bigger, getting around is harder. Getting out used to be easy when I could just strap him to me. Now he's well over 20 lbs and way more wiggly. It's hard to walk, take the metro, or ride a bus for too long with all that extra weight. And then, taking a stroller on the bus or metro causes more headache than it's worth. As of late, we've been taking taxis. But with this raises the concern of not having a car seat. For now, I wear him in the carrier and can put a seat belt on over both of us. But soon he'll be too big. I can't imagine a toddler riding in a taxi without any secure car seat. Is it ironic that Danny has modeled so many car seats, but he doesn't even use one? And with having a car, you have the luxury to go wherever, whenever you want. It's nice having that independence. I miss having a car.

7. safety - Living in Shanghai is safe, generally. There's no real risk of getting mugged or shot. However, there is always a risk of getting hit by a car or bus. People ride motorbikes on sidewalks. As a rule, people do not follow rules. I've had way too many close calls. One so recently and terrifying, I seriously considered buying a one way ticket back to the homeland. I miss driving where people obey the traffic lights, where a green pedestrian light means it is safe to walk. Where people yield.

6. ability to blend in - I'm so over the staring. I know they must not consider it rude. But I hate it. I hate the attention we get. I hate that people feel it's ok to get in Danny's face and take a bazillion pictures without our permission. I like being a wallflower. I miss going to Target, doing my shopping in peace. Getting an occasional smile because I have a cute baby with me is enough for me. I'm tired of Danny being a spectacle.

5. space - Personal space is another beautiful luxury that many Americans take for granted. To stand in a line and not have someone shamelessly butt in front of you like a big ol' A-hole...oh the humanity! To have the logic to first wait for people to get out of an elevator before stepping in..oh the common sense! I like that generally in America, people give you personal space. Or if they do bump you, you get an apology.

4. clean air - This is a huge health concern! I've blogged about what the smog is like here, I won't go into it again. But seriously, a young baby's exposure to air pollution can have long term effects. I miss beautiful blue skies and true, fresh, country air. There's only so much an indoor air purifier can do,  am I right?

3. church - Not everyone can relate to this one. But having the freedom and accessibility to worship is huge for me. And in America, there are so many options! A person can easily find a place they fit in with and have a community of fellow believers. Here it is a little harder. There are only two "State approved" churches in Shanghai. You must hold a foreign passport to attend the English services. What's that about? They say that you can practice any religion you want here, but why is it so difficult to have community, and why is it so censored? I am really working to make connections, but it is hard.

2. friends - Of course I miss my friends! Something that really makes me sad is all the friends I've left behind in the States. I do have friends here who I treasure. But at home are so many old and new friends that I just miss so much. I'm so blessed to have so many great friends from high school, college, work, and church. I'm blessed that they do their best to keep tabs on me while I'm away. But life in St. Louis doesn't stand still while I'm living abroad. It makes me sick to my stomach that I've missed close friends get married, have kids, and other big life events. Which leads nicely into #1......

1. family - It's obvious that family is what I miss most about home. The same reasons apply here as they do to missing friends. I hate that I'm missing out on life at home with our family members. But, on top of that, I'm sad that our family is missing out on Danny. So many achievements and developments that only we can witness. I. hate. this. I hate that he doesn't have frequent interaction with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I hate that he's more familiar with using Skype to see them. I hate that they won't be celebrating his first birthday with us. How amazing it would be to be in the same timezone again.

America has plenty of imperfections, like all places do. But it's home. It holds so many things that I'll never in a million years ever take for granted again. I've learned to savor every little thing when I go back for a visit. The sights, the smells, the tastes, the beautiful moments with beautiful people that bring me comfort. I miss you, home.

Alternate Timelines, or Reflections on a Miscarriage

This week marks the two year anniversary of the due date of my first pregnancy. I lost my baby at 11 weeks, in February of 2012. I make jokes all the time about alternate timelines, but it is something I've seriously thought about on many occasions. I can't help but wonder how different my life would have been if my first baby had survived. Would I still be living in St. Louis? Would we discuss having a second child? Would I work or be able to stay at home?

Honestly I have NO idea what my life would be like. The only certain thing is that it would have been one hundred and ten percent different than how it is now.

Josh and I would not be living in Shanghai. We would probably not have our son, Danny. I have no clue not only about where I would be, but what kind of person would I have become? Or maybe, would I have become the person I am now? I don't think so.

When we found out we were pregnant in November 2011, we immediately started trying to figure out how our life would go. Still crashing in my parents' basement at the time, the first priority was to find our own place. Unfortunately, we didn't make it past that idea. In a flash, the baby was no more and we were no longer parents-to-be. It was a terrible, terrible feeling.

Into an alternate timeline I went. A timeline of loss, hurt, and depression. I wanted to flee. I didn't want to be around happy families with their white picket fences. We decided to move to China. Note: running away from your problems usually isn't the best solution, but sometimes a fresh start is what you need. The good news is that things did get better...eventually. I don't think a person can ever really "heal back" to their former self after a miscarriage. You heal in a different way. Or at least I did.

It was hard, but I found the blessings in this loss. I made a new friend, who also suffered a miscarriage. She shared with me her journey, offered her love and support, and continues to be my role model to this day. She's the big sister I never had. Even from the other side of the world, I know she's there being supportive and rooting for me.

I also started a new friendship with a lost friend. In high school we were so close. In college, I guess you could say we became estranged, bitter even. I had no intention of trying to make amends but did feel unsettled about it. I thought we were both better off with our separate lives. I'm sure she felt the same. Then I heard that she had a miscarriage just a month after me. And so began a reconnection. A new, better, cherished friendship out of the ashes.

Would I have these friendships if I hadn't gone through this loss?

The biggest butterfly effect that I think about is our grand move to China. If the pregnancy was successful, we just wouldn't. We wouldn't have moved to a different country with a baby (because that's just crazy) at all. When people have kids, they settle down. But moving here was the start of a chain reaction of all kinds of bizarre and awesome things. We came to China (like many) as English teachers with the idea that it was just a temporary gig. Then Josh met the right people, drastically changed his career path, and became a brewer at a local brewery. It's something he loves and is good at (or so the beer drinkers tell me).

And me? I gained some serious strength and courage. I can handle it and I'm not afraid anymore! I had faith that I could have a successful pregnancy. I believed not only that I would have a baby, but that I could do it in a foreign country. It's not a big deal.

My heart has also healed back in a way that feels things in high definition. Now I can actually empathize with people. I remember times in the past, hearing about someone losing a loved one. I'd give it about as much thought as the time it takes to say "Sorry for your loss" before moving on to my own selfish thinking. Now I know those people need support: someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, or maybe just a presence that means I'm here for you. Now I know.

I imagine my sweet baby girl, Vivian Jane. She'd be two! I'm so sad that I never got to meet her. I'm devastated that she never got to flourish on Earth. I'm not thankful for losing my baby at all. But I'm thankful for the gifts the Lord has given me with her existence. I'm thankful that I'm stronger, braver, and more compassionate than I've ever been before. I am thankful for this alternate timeline.

Top Ten: things I like about Shanghai

I can easily give you a list of all the things I hate about living here. It's a long one. But what's the point of focusing on the negative, right? So, in the spirit of Pollyanna.... it's only taken me two years to think of ten things......Ladies and Gentleman....I give you my TOP TEN favorite things about living here in Shanghai:

10. transportation- It is so nice not having the responsibility or the expense of a car. For 30 cents I can take the subway or bus wherever I need. Or if I'm really feeling extravagant, I can take a cab- meter starting under $3. Easy peasy. But, the best way to get around is to walk. Not only have I caused myself to inadvertently "exercise" but walking out in the elements has toughened me up.

9. food delivery - Who says you have to go walk in the elements to find food? Nope. You can get any kind of food you want delivered to your door. Thank you Sherpa's and Mealbay! Such a much appreciated luxury, especially on days when facing the outside world is not an option.

8. taobao - What is this foreign thing you speak of? It's kind of like the Chinese equivalent of Amazon.com. The website that has everything. China can be so frustrating sometimes because you just don't know where to go to find [insert object that should not be that difficult to find]. Lo and behold, there it is on Taobao! Raisinets! Thai milk tea! All the things!

7. shanghai mamas - I have no idea where I'd be without Shanghai Mamas. It's an online social network specifically for expat families living in Shanghai. It is here I found an answer to a prayer. This site led me to my friend Delia, who led me to a lovely hospital to deliver my baby. I'm so thankful! The website also has a great classifieds section, where I managed to score all kinds of used baby furniture and goodies.

6. access to travel - Ok, China's not necessarily close to America. But it IS close to a lot of other really cool countries. And traveling Southeast Asia is way affordable. Hello Brittany's birthday bonanza in Boracay!

5. safe environment - The very biggest threat a foreigner may have in Shanghai is being pick-pocketed. There's really no risk of getting shot. A lady can walk alone at night without the fear of being mugged. Did I tell you about the time Josh and I couldn't find a taxi on New Year's Eve and ended up walking 3 hours home with our then one year old in the middle of the night? No biggie.

4. cost of living - Shanghai is actually one of the most expensive places to live in China. But, you're comparing it to China, not America.With the exception of western foods, things are cheap. I already mentioned the affordable public transportation. Affordable medical care is also a perk. We don't have insurance but were able to afford the birth of our son in the VIP section, costing just over one month's rent.

3. english - I'm thankful that I live in such an international city. With that said, I'm not meaning that everyone speaks English. They don't, but they are accommodating. All street and subway signs are in English. For that alone I am thankful. When we were in Korea, I could at least read the Korean alphabet. Chinese? Looks like scribbles. I'd be lost without the English street signs. And how freaking awesome that you can "Press 2 for English" when you want to order Papa John's. Sweet.

2. expat community - I mentioned how awesome the site Shanghai Mamas is, but even beyond that, the expat community here is fantastic. I've met people from all over the world. Being expats together is something unlike anything else. Besides getting another perspective on the world, you form a bond that is maybe opposite of any friendship you have at home. These are the people who come from such different backgrounds, but share the feeling and emotions of the present. We're all in this together. We've become our own little makeshift family. It's beautiful.

1. opportunity - The million dollar question I hear all the time is, "How long do you plan on staying in China?" If I only knew!!! The frustration seems to hit me most when I'm sick, Josh is working, and I have to take care of the baby. I just want my mom and dad! I miss my family! As much as Josh and I would love to just move back to be near family, we feel it's important to stay here for now. The opportunities that have opened up to us are incredible. We came over for a little adventure teaching English. With it came a huge career change for Josh (and me really) plus a baby.We like to think of Shanghai as the wild west, ready to be pioneered. So many expats have found their niche here. The beer scene in China is beginning to take off, and Josh got there just in time. I'm fortunate enough to stay at home with the baby, and make money on the side teaching English once a week. Oh yeah, Danny's been hard at work too. He's been doing a bit of modeling! We're all three gaining awesome career and life experiences.  Mostly we're just waiting and praying to find the right time for the next chapter to start.

There, Mom. I did it! I found 10 things. Are you proud? Took me long enough :P

Paparazzi

There's a huge learning curve when it comes to parenting. I thought it would be easier (go ahead, laugh at my naivety). But, figuring things out in China is even more peculiar. I would imagine in the States, taking a baby out is a little less scary.

Here are the things I have to consider when taking the baby out:

Transportation: Do I take the subway? bus? or taxi? We don't do car seats and we've not yet bought a stroller. I've only taken Danny in a taxi, and it seems every single time he wails and wails and wails! I would imagine this would be less frustrating in your own vehicle where you don't have a taxi driver turning up the radio over the crying while judging your parenting skills. I've avoided the bus and subway for two reasons really: the crowds and the attention. Yesterday I took the bus on my own and it was so crowded. People were pushing and squeezing. I was doing my best to keep from toppling over a little old lady seated in front of me. How are you supposed to deal with that with a baby strapped to you? The same situation applies on the subway, sometimes that's even worse.

Smog: When it's bad outside, it's worse for a baby. You can feel it on your clothes, in your eyes, down your throat. It's disgusting. Why would I want to expose this dear little boy to that crap? Josh's sweet band mates gifted us with an air purifier when Danny was born. I am so thankful! Now we have a sanctuary in which we can hide out while we look out at the haze outside.

Changing the baby: In the States, you can can find changing stations pretty much anywhere you go. Or worst case scenario, you can change him in your car. What's a mom to do in Shanghai where most places don't have public bathrooms. Or, if they do, it's just a hole in the ground. True story. Now I understand why they change their babies on the restaurant tables (but it's still nasty).

Attention: In America, a crying baby creates attention. Sure, that happens anywhere. Here too. Though, we've already got plenty of attention. It used to be that Josh and I would get stared out for my blond hair, his big red beard, or our light colored eyes. Throw a white baby in there and you've got the paparazzi on you. I'm not kidding.

Last week, Josh and I were invited to join some friends for dinner at the local Chinese Muslim restaurant in our neighborhood. Because we were close enough to home, I knew we wouldn't have to worry about the transportation, smog, or changing a diaper. But oh, the attention!

We got there early, and you would have thought Brangelina walked in with their twenty kids. All the workers crowded around us grabbing Danny's feet and hands, patting his head. They were all smiles asking how old he was, when he was born, etc. Then we were seated and the attention intensified. Out came the camera phones. From every angle, servers and patrons were snapping pictures of our baby. I turned around to look behind my seat and there was a woman reaching over the booth with her camera. OMG. Our friends showed up and the attention died down a bit because were were no longer "The white baby" but now "the group of foreigners" but I still noticed many people pointing and whispering throughout our meal.

I guess we got a little taste of what celebrities must feel like. Holy cow, it was awful! I'm saying this only because I DO NOT like a lot of attention. I get nervous when too many people are looking at me at once and sometimes I even get a tic. Everyone was just curious and excited. It's not every day they get to see a (super) white baby with huge blue eyes. But please, China, let us be wallflowers!

And that is why Danny and I are hermits.

Bad, Worse, Worst, Best

Warning: Read at your own risk.... possible TMI!

I've decided to document my birth experience, because I'm afraid that one day I will forget how freaking awful it was and think I want to get pregnant again. So, enjoy. Your sympathy and admiration are welcomed.

As many of you know, my due date came and went. I was due on November 30th. By December 7th, I was concerned that I would have to be induced. I really really really wanted an all natural birth. Lucky me! I started to have solid contractions that morning, and they actually were getting close together. Hooray, I went into labor naturally and this meant the baby was on his way!

Day 1.

Josh and I knew not to jump the gun and go to the hospital right away because we knew early labor could take awhile. So, I got cozy at home (approximately 8am). Josh went to work while I watched movies, took warm baths, and did my best to relax. Josh came home in the afternoon, and by the evening the contractions were almost consistently 4 minutes apart. We learned in the birth class the right time to go to the hospital was "4-1-1" in which the contractions were 4 minutes apart, 1 minute long, going for 1 hour. We had gotten there. We were going to wait until they were 3 minutes apart just to be sure.... the weird thing was that I would have these contractions 4 minutes apart, then I'd go 10 or 15 minutes without one. But then I'd continue on to 4 minutes apart again. This went for awhile. The pain was getting stronger and we had finally made it a whole hour in which the contractions were 3 minutes apart just at midnight. I'm glad the taxi ride wasn't too long, because I felt so uncomfortable trying to manage the pain of the contractions in the cab!

Day 2.

We got to the hospital early on December 8th (12:30am). I was hurting, but my excitement numbed the pain. After a quick check-in, we were settled into our VIP room. It was a bit worn in, but it was fine for us. Our doula, Alison arrived shortly after us. The doctor came in to check my progress. I'm thinking this baby is on his way, but my cervix said otherwise. You know the goal is 10 cm, right? Well.... a long day's work for.....one HALF centimeter. Besides opening up, the cervix also has to thin out (called effacement). The doctor said that I was making progress in that area. Well, that's something. I was feeling optimistic. Okay, body. You're doing something. Just open that cervix so the baby can come out!

Alison, Josh, and I discussed the situation. I was hopeful. Alison recommended that I try to get a little sleep since I still had a long way to go. I did my best, but the pain was just too unbearable to sleep through. I walked around, I showered, I lied, I sat, I cringed. Josh and Alison did their best to help ease my pain by rubbing my back and making sure I had plenty to eat and drink. I was happy that we hired Alison because it allowed for Josh to get some sleep too. As it ended up, I did not get any sleep. The contractions stayed between 3 and 4 minutes apart all night long into the morning. Around 7 am the doctor checked me again. The cervix hadn't opened at all! I about lost it. I couldn't believe how quick I was to throw the towel in either. After the doctor told me that, I immediately suggested a C-section. I knew nothing was going to happen, and I had been awake for a solid 24 hours in intense pain. How was I supposed to continue enduring these contractions on no energy? And even if I got to the point of pushing, I'm already worn out.

My natural birth advocates totally blew me off, and started asking the doctor what our options were. Alison suggested I take a narcotic, to calm the pain so that I could just get some rest. I ended up getting an injection of Pethidine (or Demerol) at 10 am, and finally I could relax. I know I compromised my "all-natural" birth, but after dealing with over 24 hours of labor with nothing to show for it.......whatever. Just, whatever.

It wasn't the best sleep I've ever had, but I did manage to get a couple of hours. While I slept, Alison had gone home for rest, Josh slept beside me. By 2 pm the medicine had worn off and I was feeling the strong contractions again. I was ready to take on the day. I had a good attitude, and though the pain was continuing to increase, I was motivated.

Josh and I spent the day welcoming the contractions. We played the entire Beach Boys catalog as well as some Bob Marley. I was bobbing and dancing around trying to stay relaxed and encourage the baby to make an appearance. Alison rejoined us in the early evening. At 6:30 pm, the doctor checked my progress. I had gone from a half cm to ONE cm. All day long and only a HALF CENTIMETER PROGRESS?! I was so frustrated. It was like an exact repeat of the day before. The doctor said the cervix was still thinning well, just not opening. Again I suggested a C-section, but my birth helpers and doctor told me to keep trying for a vaginal delivery. I bit my lips, continued my routine of sitting, squatting, swaying, moaning, etc., until the doctor checked my progress at 11:00 that night. Surprise, surprise: 5 more hours and ZERO progress. In fact, I was moving backwards. From the trauma of contractions, my cervix that was previously effaced, was now swollen. The doctor said the only way to fix this was to simply "relax."  Get out.

Talk about a meltdown. I wanted to die. I didn't care if the hospital blew up and we all died. I just wanted it all to end. I begged for a c-section. Begged. I think I was literally begging down on my knees at one point. Alison was discussing our options with the doctor. The doctor tried giving me a pep talk while she squeezed my hand, "Brittany, you can do this. You don't need a cesarean. Don't you want to have more babies? You just need to relax!" Josh thought I was going to punch her, but actually I did appreciate her encouragement. Several times through the night, I'd break away into the bathroom for a hot shower. It was there, when I was alone, that I would regroup and reflect on the situation. I had to get through this. The doctor is right, I don't really want a cesarean. My body is capable. It's just taking a freakishly long time for some reason....

Alison suggested that I get an epidural to numb the pain (again) so I could simply get some rest. The doctor said no, because I was only 1 cm dialated.  The protocol was that women were allowed to get an epidural only once they'd reached 2 cm and at that point they must be transferred to the delivery room (I was just in a labor room I guess). It sounds like nothing, but at the rate I was going.... it could be a whole day away before I reached 2 cm. I guess Alison and the doctor decided to reassess the situation in a few hours at my next cervix check.

Day 3.

At 1 am, the doctor checked again and saw that the cervix had opened just a little (not to 2 cm) but she agreed to an epidural so I could get some sleep.But she warned me that I must relax. I said, "I'm trying" and she replied, "No, you can't just try. You have to relax." She meant that I couldn't push or tense up my pelvic muscles because that's what was causing the swelling. Thanks for the pressure, Doc. At 2 am my epidural was administered and good ol' fashioned drugs were being pumped into my system. Finally RELIEF!!! I've never been so thankful for anything like I was for that epidural. I've heard horror stories about them, how they sometimes don't fully work or have adverse effects. But not me. For once in this 3 day ordeal- something went RIGHT! I got two hours of sleep, no longer feeling the contraction pain in my abdomen. Instead, I was dealing with an intense pressure in my pelvis. The little guys head was down there, and I really really had to resist the instinct to push him out. The doctor checked my progress again at 4 am. I made it to 2 cm (holy cow, let's throw a dang party!) and the swelling had neither increased or gone down.

By 7 am, the doctor reviewed our options again. At this point, she was almost insisting on a C-section. But we'd made it this far, Alison, Josh, and I decided to keep shooting for the vaginal delivery.  Then the doctor gave another option (and I'm still scratching my head as to why she didn't suggest it the day before) which was a cervical injection that reduces swelling (Seriously. What the %&$#!!!!). So, we decided to get the injection, get another dose of epidural, and an IV pitocin (which causes stronger and more painful contractions). At 8 am, I had made it to 3 cm but was still swollen. They began to check me every hour, and I was really making progress. At 11 am, I had made it all the way to 6 cm. The pitocin was strong and the epidural had worn off, so I got another dose. At 1 pm I had made it to 9 cm. That last epidural was wearing off, the pain was bad, and a new doctor decided to go ahead and open the cervix on her own. Owwwwwwww!!!!

The doctor that had been with us for the last 24 hours had finally ended her shift, and now we were in the delivery room with strangers. In fact, I don't know why, but the doctors and nurses kept accumulating. By the time it was all said and done, there were about 10 people in there besides Josh, Alison, and I.

At 2 pm, I got the green light to start pushing. At first all the doctors were there, watching, coaching, trying to get the baby to come out. I was lying on my back like in the movies and nothing was happening. I don't know when, but they realized nothing was happening for awhile that they all left us to our own devices. Then we got creative and Alison used her midwifery skills to suggest various pushing positions to try. Doctors and nurses kept popping in to look at the spectacle. Eventually, I was back on my back with the crowd around me shouting "Push, push, push!"

They kept saying they could see the head, but  I kept waiting for them to say the head was coming out. It seemed like forever. I'm sure everyone says that. But then, I knew when the head was coming out. Holy hell. Yeah, ring of fire... plus razor blades.... and every other painful thing you can imagine at the most sensitive part of a person's body. How are there so many masochistic freaks out there that do this more than once?

The head was out! And within a few seconds (or minutes?) later, our son was born! Official time of birth was 4:50 pm. Labor was roughly 53 hours, and pushing lasted for 3 hours.  I feel like I deserve a medal.

I was so in shock when I saw the baby. He looked like a little alien raisin, which didn't surprise me. It was the fact that he was out. It's like during those 3 days I forgot why I was in this intense pain.  When I held him in my arms, I could already feel my emotional wounds melting away. Physical wounds are another story.

Is this a typical procedure in all hospitals or just in China: To help shrink my uterus back down, the nurses took their fist and pushed as hard as they could on my abdomen. They did this 4 different times and then checked my bleeding. Thanks for the slow motion gut punch, ladies. I never waddled when I was pregnant, but after birth.... what a sight. My body's still recovering three weeks later, and of course, Josh and I are both adjusting to parenthood.

You might be curious what it was like to have a baby in China. The hospital, doctors, nurses, and staff were all wonderful. Everyone was super attentive when they needed to be, and they left us alone when we needed to be left alone. I didn't have that perfect all natural birth, but we all worked together as a team. We never went over our birth plan with any of the doctors until I started pushing! That's when Josh quickly told the doctor our preferences about the umbilical cord and post delivery exam. They were very accommodating.

I've been going on and on about my experience, but poor Danny had quite an ordeal himself. He had an intense cone head, an umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, meconium in his lungs, and a touch of jaundice. He's the bad ass.

He was 9 lbs 4 oz at birth and now he's already up to 11 lbs and wearing 3 month clothes. I admit, this birth was the worst experience I've ever had. But it had beyond the best outcome.  

I love this kid like crazy.