Top Ten: things I miss about home

Instead of giving you my list of the top 100+ things I hate about Shanghai, I'm going to be sentimental. I'm going to tell you the top ten things I miss about home: St. Louis - the Midwest - America. For the great things about Shanghai, click HERE.

Frankly, I'm very, very homesick. Year Three in China is wearing on me something fierce.

10. american traditions and patriotism - I'm not getting into politics about governments and which is better. However, I miss the American pride. Yeah, things are jacked up. But America is my home, I miss it. And I miss how Americans celebrate our country. Even though people have different stances on war, I love how everyone respects those who've served our country. I miss the American holidays. I love that businesses are closed on Christmas. In China, Christmas is just another day and just an excuse to put a Santa Claus decal in your window. I miss the traditional foods that go along with said holidays and events. Pumpkin in the fall, sugar cookies in the winter. Which brings me to the next one...

9. food - you may be surprised that this isn't number one on my list. I do talk about food a lot after all. But no, in the grand scheme of things, it's not the most important. But you know what? Never again will I take for granted the ability to go to the grocery store and buy any and every comfort food my little heart desires. I have to roll my eyes when I see people so set on their "whatever-free" diets. I'm over here like, give me anything that's not Chinese food! And here's something to think about: which is worse? Not having comfort food available at all? Or knowing that it is within arm's reach but costs 5x what it does back home? Seriously... every time I go to City Shop, I find myself eying the $16 small box of Life cereal. It just sits there taunting me. I hate it.

8. owning a car - As much as I raved about public transportation, I do miss having a car. I'm finding that as D gets bigger, getting around is harder. Getting out used to be easy when I could just strap him to me. Now he's well over 20 lbs and way more wiggly. It's hard to walk, take the metro, or ride a bus for too long with all that extra weight. And then, taking a stroller on the bus or metro causes more headache than it's worth. As of late, we've been taking taxis. But with this raises the concern of not having a car seat. For now, I wear him in the carrier and can put a seat belt on over both of us. But soon he'll be too big. I can't imagine a toddler riding in a taxi without any secure car seat. Is it ironic that Danny has modeled so many car seats, but he doesn't even use one? And with having a car, you have the luxury to go wherever, whenever you want. It's nice having that independence. I miss having a car.

7. safety - Living in Shanghai is safe, generally. There's no real risk of getting mugged or shot. However, there is always a risk of getting hit by a car or bus. People ride motorbikes on sidewalks. As a rule, people do not follow rules. I've had way too many close calls. One so recently and terrifying, I seriously considered buying a one way ticket back to the homeland. I miss driving where people obey the traffic lights, where a green pedestrian light means it is safe to walk. Where people yield.

6. ability to blend in - I'm so over the staring. I know they must not consider it rude. But I hate it. I hate the attention we get. I hate that people feel it's ok to get in Danny's face and take a bazillion pictures without our permission. I like being a wallflower. I miss going to Target, doing my shopping in peace. Getting an occasional smile because I have a cute baby with me is enough for me. I'm tired of Danny being a spectacle.

5. space - Personal space is another beautiful luxury that many Americans take for granted. To stand in a line and not have someone shamelessly butt in front of you like a big ol' A-hole...oh the humanity! To have the logic to first wait for people to get out of an elevator before stepping in..oh the common sense! I like that generally in America, people give you personal space. Or if they do bump you, you get an apology.

4. clean air - This is a huge health concern! I've blogged about what the smog is like here, I won't go into it again. But seriously, a young baby's exposure to air pollution can have long term effects. I miss beautiful blue skies and true, fresh, country air. There's only so much an indoor air purifier can do,  am I right?

3. church - Not everyone can relate to this one. But having the freedom and accessibility to worship is huge for me. And in America, there are so many options! A person can easily find a place they fit in with and have a community of fellow believers. Here it is a little harder. There are only two "State approved" churches in Shanghai. You must hold a foreign passport to attend the English services. What's that about? They say that you can practice any religion you want here, but why is it so difficult to have community, and why is it so censored? I am really working to make connections, but it is hard.

2. friends - Of course I miss my friends! Something that really makes me sad is all the friends I've left behind in the States. I do have friends here who I treasure. But at home are so many old and new friends that I just miss so much. I'm so blessed to have so many great friends from high school, college, work, and church. I'm blessed that they do their best to keep tabs on me while I'm away. But life in St. Louis doesn't stand still while I'm living abroad. It makes me sick to my stomach that I've missed close friends get married, have kids, and other big life events. Which leads nicely into #1......

1. family - It's obvious that family is what I miss most about home. The same reasons apply here as they do to missing friends. I hate that I'm missing out on life at home with our family members. But, on top of that, I'm sad that our family is missing out on Danny. So many achievements and developments that only we can witness. I. hate. this. I hate that he doesn't have frequent interaction with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I hate that he's more familiar with using Skype to see them. I hate that they won't be celebrating his first birthday with us. How amazing it would be to be in the same timezone again.

America has plenty of imperfections, like all places do. But it's home. It holds so many things that I'll never in a million years ever take for granted again. I've learned to savor every little thing when I go back for a visit. The sights, the smells, the tastes, the beautiful moments with beautiful people that bring me comfort. I miss you, home.

Alternate Timelines, or Reflections on a Miscarriage

This week marks the two year anniversary of the due date of my first pregnancy. I lost my baby at 11 weeks, in February of 2012. I make jokes all the time about alternate timelines, but it is something I've seriously thought about on many occasions. I can't help but wonder how different my life would have been if my first baby had survived. Would I still be living in St. Louis? Would we discuss having a second child? Would I work or be able to stay at home?

Honestly I have NO idea what my life would be like. The only certain thing is that it would have been one hundred and ten percent different than how it is now.

Josh and I would not be living in Shanghai. We would probably not have our son, Danny. I have no clue not only about where I would be, but what kind of person would I have become? Or maybe, would I have become the person I am now? I don't think so.

When we found out we were pregnant in November 2011, we immediately started trying to figure out how our life would go. Still crashing in my parents' basement at the time, the first priority was to find our own place. Unfortunately, we didn't make it past that idea. In a flash, the baby was no more and we were no longer parents-to-be. It was a terrible, terrible feeling.

Into an alternate timeline I went. A timeline of loss, hurt, and depression. I wanted to flee. I didn't want to be around happy families with their white picket fences. We decided to move to China. Note: running away from your problems usually isn't the best solution, but sometimes a fresh start is what you need. The good news is that things did get better...eventually. I don't think a person can ever really "heal back" to their former self after a miscarriage. You heal in a different way. Or at least I did.

It was hard, but I found the blessings in this loss. I made a new friend, who also suffered a miscarriage. She shared with me her journey, offered her love and support, and continues to be my role model to this day. She's the big sister I never had. Even from the other side of the world, I know she's there being supportive and rooting for me.

I also started a new friendship with a lost friend. In high school we were so close. In college, I guess you could say we became estranged, bitter even. I had no intention of trying to make amends but did feel unsettled about it. I thought we were both better off with our separate lives. I'm sure she felt the same. Then I heard that she had a miscarriage just a month after me. And so began a reconnection. A new, better, cherished friendship out of the ashes.

Would I have these friendships if I hadn't gone through this loss?

The biggest butterfly effect that I think about is our grand move to China. If the pregnancy was successful, we just wouldn't. We wouldn't have moved to a different country with a baby (because that's just crazy) at all. When people have kids, they settle down. But moving here was the start of a chain reaction of all kinds of bizarre and awesome things. We came to China (like many) as English teachers with the idea that it was just a temporary gig. Then Josh met the right people, drastically changed his career path, and became a brewer at a local brewery. It's something he loves and is good at (or so the beer drinkers tell me).

And me? I gained some serious strength and courage. I can handle it and I'm not afraid anymore! I had faith that I could have a successful pregnancy. I believed not only that I would have a baby, but that I could do it in a foreign country. It's not a big deal.

My heart has also healed back in a way that feels things in high definition. Now I can actually empathize with people. I remember times in the past, hearing about someone losing a loved one. I'd give it about as much thought as the time it takes to say "Sorry for your loss" before moving on to my own selfish thinking. Now I know those people need support: someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, or maybe just a presence that means I'm here for you. Now I know.

I imagine my sweet baby girl, Vivian Jane. She'd be two! I'm so sad that I never got to meet her. I'm devastated that she never got to flourish on Earth. I'm not thankful for losing my baby at all. But I'm thankful for the gifts the Lord has given me with her existence. I'm thankful that I'm stronger, braver, and more compassionate than I've ever been before. I am thankful for this alternate timeline.