Honestly I have NO idea what my life would be like. The only certain thing is that it would have been one hundred and ten percent different than how it is now.
Josh and I would not be living in Shanghai. We would probably not have our son, Danny. I have no clue not only about where I would be, but what kind of person would I have become? Or maybe, would I have become the person I am now? I don't think so.
When we found out we were pregnant in November 2011, we immediately started trying to figure out how our life would go. Still crashing in my parents' basement at the time, the first priority was to find our own place. Unfortunately, we didn't make it past that idea. In a flash, the baby was no more and we were no longer parents-to-be. It was a terrible, terrible feeling.
Into an alternate timeline I went. A timeline of loss, hurt, and depression. I wanted to flee. I didn't want to be around happy families with their white picket fences. We decided to move to China. Note: running away from your problems usually isn't the best solution, but sometimes a fresh start is what you need. The good news is that things did get better...eventually. I don't think a person can ever really "heal back" to their former self after a miscarriage. You heal in a different way. Or at least I did.
It was hard, but I found the blessings in this loss. I made a new friend, who also suffered a miscarriage. She shared with me her journey, offered her love and support, and continues to be my role model to this day. She's the big sister I never had. Even from the other side of the world, I know she's there being supportive and rooting for me.
I also started a new friendship with a lost friend. In high school we were so close. In college, I guess you could say we became estranged, bitter even. I had no intention of trying to make amends but did feel unsettled about it. I thought we were both better off with our separate lives. I'm sure she felt the same. Then I heard that she had a miscarriage just a month after me. And so began a reconnection. A new, better, cherished friendship out of the ashes.
Would I have these friendships if I hadn't gone through this loss?
The biggest butterfly effect that I think about is our grand move to China. If the pregnancy was successful, we just wouldn't. We wouldn't have moved to a different country with a baby (because that's just crazy) at all. When people have kids, they settle down. But moving here was the start of a chain reaction of all kinds of bizarre and awesome things. We came to China (like many) as English teachers with the idea that it was just a temporary gig. Then Josh met the right people, drastically changed his career path, and became a brewer at a local brewery. It's something he loves and is good at (or so the beer drinkers tell me).
And me? I gained some serious strength and courage. I can handle it and I'm not afraid anymore! I had faith that I could have a successful pregnancy. I believed not only that I would have a baby, but that I could do it in a foreign country. It's not a big deal.
My heart has also healed back in a way that feels things in high definition. Now I can actually empathize with people. I remember times in the past, hearing about someone losing a loved one. I'd give it about as much thought as the time it takes to say "Sorry for your loss" before moving on to my own selfish thinking. Now I know those people need support: someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, or maybe just a presence that means I'm here for you. Now I know.
I imagine my sweet baby girl, Vivian Jane. She'd be two! I'm so sad that I never got to meet her. I'm devastated that she never got to flourish on Earth. I'm not thankful for losing my baby at all. But I'm thankful for the gifts the Lord has given me with her existence. I'm thankful that I'm stronger, braver, and more compassionate than I've ever been before. I am thankful for this alternate timeline.
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