Here's how it typically* goes, when you're the first one to have a baby...
Your friends will be so happy for
you but they won't get it. They might be a little (or a lot)
excited to throw you a baby shower. They may be empathetic as they
hear about this horrible morning sickness that you're dealing with.
And they may be overjoyed to hold that little bun right out of the
oven. But they absolutely will not understand the magnitude of
change your body and mind are going through for the next nine months
to eternity. If you're lucky, they will hang tight and be present.
Some, if not most of your childless
friends will bail. Having a baby is hard, whether you stay home
or go back to work, you are responsible for this little human.
You'll have to give up a lot of your social life. You will feel so
lonely. You will feel like a stranger in a strange land. To be
courteous, your friends will just stop inviting you to things so you
don't always have to tell them “No, I can't.” And because kids
are unpredictable, get-togethers will dwindle until finally you
subconsciously change your relationship status from friends to
acquaintances. But that's okay. The good ones will stay.
You'll make new friends. You
aren't alone in this freak show called motherhood. Start
looking around (the park, the library, online mom support groups)
You aren't the only doe-eyed new mom suffering with an identity
crisis and a hefty case of alienation. You will meet others who are
in the same boat. You can share struggles and offer support to each
other. They get it when you cancel plans because of a pukey kid or a
sleepless night. They know the value of a moms' night out. They get
all of it.
You might have to let go of the past.
I'm only admitting it now (4 years later) that I had some serious
grudges against my childless friends who bailed on me. It sucked. It
sucked bad. I was lonely. I didn't have anyone to offer me advice. I
was jealous that they had freedom to do whatever they wanted, while
I became chained to this little creature that came out of my uterus.
I was up at 2 am nursing a newborn while they were still out
clubbing. They didn't get that I was lonely, what they got was that
I was busy and responsible for a baby.
You will be ecstatic for your
pre-baby friends when they finally have a baby. It's not like
you feel they have finally received their karmic consequence for the
lack of presence in your time of crisis. You will be genuinely happy
that they get to experience this adventure. You will offer
encouragement, advice, and whatever else they need, because you know
what it's like on the other side. This will transform their life in
a way that only parenthood can.
You will see how far you've come.
Everyone fawns over these cute
babies and how they grow and learn, but not a lot of notice is given
to the mom's development. Motherhood is hard as hell,
and surviving day one is a huge accomplishment. A challenge comes,
then you defeat it. This is basically real life game of
whack-a-mole. But I'm telling you, it's awesome. I'm not gonna
regurgitate that idealistic sentiment that “you should cherish
every moment” because we all know that's B.S. But, you should
think forward. Make mama friends, love your babies, enjoy the good
parts and survive the bad. Seriously, the bad parts almost always
make for a funny story later.
Gotta go wipe a butt. Peace Out!
*As in, many of my new mom friends and I had these experiences with our childless peers.
*As in, many of my new mom friends and I had these experiences with our childless peers.
