Transportation Anxiety

Last week was off for me. I didn't leave the house except to get a liter of milk in the convenient store downstairs in the alley.  Monday through Wednesday I questioned myself: what's your deal? Why didn't you go out today? You should have taken the kids for a walk.

And then Wednesday night, I tossed and turned and had nightmares about my impending journey to Bible study the following morning. I was terrified to take the bus.

Several weeks ago, when my parents were visiting, there was an incident. Mom wanted to join me for my Mom 2 Mom group, which meets on Thursday mornings at 10 am and offers childcare! The easiest way to get there is by bus, because the subway is not direct (and there aren't any elevators to it unless I walk several blocks), and taxis are never guaranteed because it's still rush hour (and loading two kids and a stroller into a cab by myself is also really difficult). Even though taking the bus is the easiest option, it isn't necessarily easy. I'd only done the commute once before with both kids and it wasn't terrible.

We leave an hour before M2M starts, though it's not far away. Leaving at 9:00 allows enough time for the 20 minute walk, waiting for the bus, and riding 15 minutes to where we need to go. I put Danny in the stroller and Benji in the baby carrier. I would love to use a double stroller, but it would be way too heavy and big to lift up and fit through the bus door, but I do need a stroller because the walk to the bus stop is just a little too long for Danny to do on his own, and he's also hard to carry if I'm already wearing Benji. Plus, it's like clockwork, he always falls asleep on the way home in the stroller.

No part of my Thursday commute is hard except getting on and off the bus, unless it's also raining.

It's a gamble how easy or difficult it will be to lift the stroller onto the bus. Unfortunate for me, Bus 855 has two steps, where some of the older buses have one (which are a piece of cake). On a good day, other bus riders will go out of their way to lend a helping hand and grab either the front or back of the stroller. They'll take special care to get my son on the bus safely. On a really good day, the bus driver will get up from his seat, and help maneuver the stroller around the corner while mesmerized by Danny's golden hair and sapphire eyes. On a bad day, no one helps, everyone stares, and some even have the genius idea to try to butt ahead of me when my stroller is obviously blocking the entire doorway.

And then there was the time a month ago that Mom was with me.

I was so excited to have the extra help lifting the stroller. The day was chilly but clear. The walk was great, and the bus arrived to the bus stop directly after we had. I went in first, lifting the front of the stroller, and Mom had the back. She dropped in our 2 kuai bus fare (30 cents each) while I moved out of the way for other passengers. That wasn't so bad. The bus was empty enough where we were both were able to take a seat while I pulled the stroller out of the way, next to me.

At a stop before ours, two people stood up by the door to get off. I wasn't paying attention but Mom told me that they were trying to get off and the bus driver closed the exit door and took off before they could leave. They had to wait until the next stop. That's peculiar. We were approaching the stop while Mom and I discussed how we'd get the stroller off of the bus. We waited for everyone to exit around us so that we could turn the stroller towards the door. I stepped down to the bottom step, lifting the front of the stroller. Before I knew it, the driver had closed the door on my stroller and began taking off! The street was moving below me as everyone on the bus began shouting at the bus driver to stop. In a few seconds, he stopped the bus and released the stroller from the door so we could exit.

In the moment, I giggled about it while Mom was freaking out. I tried to play it down, "that's just China life. It's ridiculous, hahaha!" We learned our lesson to be as fast as possible when exiting the bus, because who knows what kind of driver we'll have. On the ride home, we didn't waste any time. We butted our way through the others so we weren't left behind or stuck in the door. To top off our stressful commute, it was now raining on our walk home.

When we arrived home, Mom shared our story to Dad and Josh. "I don't know how she does it! This is so hard! You poor thing!" Of course, my dad joined in, and my inner thoughts started to turn into self pity.

The next week, my mom watched Danny at home so that I could go to Bible study with Benji in the baby carrier only. Wow, easy peasy. Then the week after that, my parents were gone, which meant I had to take both kids. Josh was at home that Thursday morning, and said he'd call a cab to our complex so that he could help load the stroller into the trunk, and then I had a ride home with a friend, so I wouldn't have to worry about any transportation difficulties whatsoever. But 9 am on a Thursday is very hard to get a cab. He requested one on his taxi app, and there were none. So, I said, forget it... I'll try to find one on the street or I'll just start walking to Bible study. I walked to the closest intersection. I waited and waited. I walked a little further. A few drivers passed by, acting like they didn't see me. A few more waved "no" to me and picked up Chinese people instead. And finally (sometimes the only way) I got a cab was, I grabbed the door as someone was getting out of a taxi. I put Danny in before the guy could tell me no. I somehow managed to finagle the folded stroller in the cab, and we were off, only an hour late.

Taking a taxi is too unpredictable and frustrating. Not to mention, I feel scared for Danny's safety without a car seat. He will not sit still and most cabs don't even have seat belts. Plus, those drivers are nuts! So, last week I began to gear myself up to take the bus again. I guess I was suffering from some post traumatic stress. On Wednesday night, I kept going in and out of sleep, dreaming of all kinds of terrible outcomes, but mostly that the stroller would be stuck while I was already off of the bus, or that Danny's arms get smashed by the door. All night I kept waking up, praying and giving myself pep talks. I'd tell myself I could and would take the bus again. When I woke up restless on Thursday morning, I saw that it was raining out. And I was done. I didn't go. Nope. Instead, my fear grew irrationally and I just didn't want to deal with anything outside the apartment.

I can imagine my friends back home reading about our little bus incident thinking, Oh my goodness! That is crazy. How terrible! And then, my friends who are here in the thick of it with kids are thinking while laughing, CLASSIC China! I was used to this madness. I really was. I've gotten accustomed to so many bizarre, stupid, gross, or dangerous things here. It had become normal. But then we got stuck in the bus doors. I was afraid of taking the bus again. I was frustrated with taking taxis and even dealing with the general Chinese population.

By the weekend, I realized my reclusive behavior was getting out of hand.  I managed to get out on my own for a little Christmas shopping. I took the bus, I interacted with the general public. Things aren't so bad. Living here is not scary.

I'd love to tell you that in the end I have overcome this fear of taking the bus with kids. But I haven't. I really want to go to my Bible study tomorrow, especially since it will be the last time this year. My best good friend, Breanne even offered for her driver to pick me up. Problem solved. Anxiety dissipated.

But I really want to take the bus. I don't want to leave China on a note of fear. When you fall down, you get back up, right? Years from now, I don't want to recall life in Shanghai with two small kids as impossible. What would that mean for my future?

Here's the plan for tomorrow: I am taking my kids on the bus. I am going to kick that bus' ass.

Unless it rains, then it's no deal.




UPDATE:

I killed it.

Repatriation

When we first moved to Shanghai in August of 2012, everyone asked us, "when will you come back?" We honestly never really knew. When we came over here, we didn't know what we wanted for our future. Like many young adults who come to Asia to teach, it was just a cool thing to do; it allowed us to see the world, and put off settling down. And since we graduated from university there's mighty slim pickings in the US job market for communication and music degrees.

So when are you moving back to the States? The answer we gave usually depended our mood. It's easy reflect on all the good things, conveniences, and the fact that our life in Shanghai is awesomely nontraditional. I could live here for another ten years! Then there's a bad day: when the smog is off the charts unhealthy and you just barely miss getting hit by a motorbike. Nope.

The time has come. I finally have an answer for you.

When will we come back? 

February 13th, 2016. the day of repatriation.

Here's the scoop: My three lovely gentlemen and I will be relocated to Naples, Florida (Sorry, St. Louis!). Josh got a new job, while Danny, Benji, and I will start our training to be professional surfers and alligator wranglers.

The airline tickets have been purchased. We are coming for you, America!

Xiao Didi

To summarize my second childbirth experience, I can simply say: It was fast, dramatic, and reeeeeeally painful. My first birth experience was long, exhausting, frustrating, and painful. As my due date was getting closer, I started to recall how completely unprepared I was for another long, drawn out, unpleasant birth experience.

But let me back up. When I became pregnant with Danny, I did so much research. I read all the books, I watched The Business of Being Born, I took a "pro-natural" birth class. I questioned every prenatal test or procedure the doctor wanted to do. I heard that Chinese doctors were quick to do c-sections even if they weren't really necessary. Josh and I were prepared to fight for the birth we wanted. In the end, my all natural non-medicated birth was compromised. And after the wonderful help of an epidural and pitocin to birth my first baby, I realized that birth plans are nonsense. :P  Therefore, this time I would take whatever measures possible to get this baby out safely.

We had a different doctor than last time, Dr. Jiang. I have a love/hate relationship with Dr. Jiang. For Danny, we saw Dr. Liu. Dr. Liu was good, she spoke English, and she didn't show us any special attention, if we said we didn't want to do an ultrasound or test, she said "okay."  Dr. Jiang on the other hand.....she's probably younger than me, but it's like she's my mother telling me what to do! Every little thing was a "discussion." Something like this happened at every appointment:

Dr. J: You need to ------.
Me: Why?
Dr. J; Because ------.
Josh: Why can't we do --------instead? In America, we do --------.
Dr. J: You can do ------- but --------- is better because --------.
Me: But we don't want to do --------. We would rather do --------.
Dr: J: *shrugs* ...okay.

In Chinese local hospitals, you don't make appointments with doctors. You pay a fee and take a number to wait, or so I thought. One day, Josh got a phone call from the DOCTOR asking why I missed my appointment. What appointment? Also, she gave me her personal cell phone number and told me to call her if I had any abdominal pain or other symptoms. What doctor is this overbearing attentive? Especially in China where every doctor has probably a million patients each.

Around 34 weeks or so,  Dr. Jiang couldn't tell the position by just feeling my belly so she wanted to do an ultrasound to know for sure. Usually we butt heads over getting (unnecessary) ultrasounds, but I said sure. All of a sudden, it was a panic. The baby is not head down! The baby is too big! It was hard to not panic along with her. To gain a different perspective, I contacted the American doula I had with Danny's birth to get her thoughts on the topic. Alison, who is also a certified midwife, said that it was too early to be concerned with the baby's position, and in her experience in China, doctors almost always tell foreigners that their babies are too big. *huge sigh of relief*

At 36 weeks, I went back for a check-up. Dr. Jiang was happy to see that the baby was head down, but she was still freaking out about the "too big" baby. I was kind of sick of her worry mongering and her pressure to intervene. So, I purposely went to my next "appointment" a day early, when I knew she wouldn't be there, to see a different doctor who didn't know me or care.

And here's how that all went down.....

Wednesday, October 14th

Josh, Danny, and I arrived at the hospital around 10 am. The lady at reception seemed confused that we were there, but Josh said we just wanted to see whatever doctor that was on duty. That ended up being another young female doctor, Dr. Mao. We had it in our heads that this would be a quick listen of the doppler and measure of the belly. After waiting for over an hour, we were finally called into the doctor's room. A nice surprise was that she spoke English. So, as expected, she measured the belly and got the doppler to check the heart rate. She moved the wand all over and couldn't locate a good clear heart rate. Then she felt around my belly to try to determine the position. She quickly gave up and said we needed to do an ultrasound. We didn't want to do this, so we had another familiar back and forth argument about why we should or shouldn't have an ultrasound.  Then she left for a bit, and came back and directed us to another doctor's room. To our surprise it was Dr. Liu (the doctor we saw through out our first pregnancy). Dr. Liu was now one of the chief physicians, and another surprise, she didn't seem to know who we were or speak English. really?

Dr. Mao translated for the most part and at times Dr. Liu talked to Josh directly in Chinese. Dr. Liu was there to check the position and find the heart rate with the doppler, since we were being difficult and wouldn't just pay for an unnecessary ultrasound. So, onto the examination table I went. She felt around, and then moved the doppler wand much higher and found a strong heart beat. Then came the bad news. At 39+4 weeks, the baby had switched positions and was now transverse (horizontal). Then there was a lot of chatting among the doctors and nurses, then out of the blue Dr. Jiang showed up. Where the heck did you come from, Dr. Jiang!?

As it turns out, Dr. Jiang was on duty in the labor and delivery ward, and since we were her difficult patients, they went and fetched her. She sat down with us and a huge, stressful conversation had begun. We had been waiting all morning, and all of a sudden it was an emergency. She said it was urgent that we try to turn the baby to the correct position because I was so far along. She wanted me to be admitted into the hospital that very moment. Which, attempting to turn the baby didn't seem like that big of deal to me, but the condition was that if they were unsuccessful, they would do an immediate cesarean. And either way, I had to stay overnight for monitoring/recovery. I still didn't get why any of this was so urgent. I wasn't even to my due date yet, and the baby could always flip back down in that time. Their argument was that if my water broke when he was transverse, there could be a prolapsed umbilical cord, which can cause all kinds of fetal distress. Ok, I get it lady. Calm down.

It felt like so much pressure. My heart sank as she told me all this, and eventually I couldn't hold in the tears anymore. I wasn't even remotely prepared to have a c-section, let alone a baby that day. It was just about lunch time/ nap time. None of us had eaten, and Danny was restless. All I wanted to do was go home, eat, shower, and have a few final minutes with Danny as my only baby.  Dr. Jiang kept pushing me to go upstairs and admit myself into the the hospital that very moment. She said that the room is big enough, Josh and Danny can stay there too, or that Josh could go and leave me there while he tended to Danny.  I said no, and that I wanted to arrange for a friend to watch Danny before being admitted. So we argued about this forever (how much valuable time did we waste arguing about it?!) And finally we all agreed that we would come back in the afternoon:

(at 1:00)
Dr.J: Come back at 1:30.
Josh: That's impossible. That's how long it take to get home and back, we will come at 2:30.
Dr. J: Can you come at 2?
Josh: No! We will come at 2:30 or 3. That will give us enough time.
Dr. J: Okay.


We taxied home and I sobbed. I understand that births don't always go as you hope, but I still wasn't expecting any of the information I had received that morning. And, I was nervous to leave Danny at his friend Louis' house. I was irrationally afraid he'd feel neglected and be scarred for life when I didn't show up before bed time. We arrived home, and I began packing my hospital bag, I couldn't get myself to eat much because I was so wound up. As I showered, I reflected on every possible outcome, and basically geared up for a c-section. It won't be that bad. You'll have a baby today! You don't even have to go through labor! You won't have to guess when the baby will come. Today is the day. Be excited!  I regained my composure, and was ready to have major surgery and have a new baby boy!

one more family picture before the new guy arrives

one picture of the new guy still inside

We were running a little later than expected, and as we were walking Danny a few blocks over to our friend's house, Dr. Jiang called. It was 3:30. She said, you need to get here before 4:00. Dr. Liu leaves at 4. We began speed walking, and when my dear friend Katty opened the door, Danny ran inside to play with all of his buddy's toys and didn't look back. It was a quick goodbye, then we were off.

We arrived at the hospital quickly, and before I knew it, I was dressed in too-small hospital pants on a sterile operating room table. Josh was not allowed in the operating room, so saying goodbye was strange. He didn't know what to expect when I was wheeled out of there.

As nurses were getting various things prepped and ready, they decide to cover my legs and chest with two heavy quilts. Even with my big belly exposed, I was melting. I kept throwing the quilt on my chest off, and they'd put it back on. When Dr. Jiang came into the room, I asked her if I needed these quilts. She said no, and I said, "good. I'm burning up!" And I threw them off again. She and the nurses found this hilarious because apparently their Chinese patients are always cold and want to be covered. Finally, it was the big moment I'd been waiting for. Dr. Liu came in to maneuver the baby. I asked them how long they would try for before giving up. Dr. Jiang said about 15 or 20 minutes. Dr. Liu said that I would feel a little pain in this procedure (oh! You CAN speak English after all!) I geared up for a 20 minute unsuccessful attempt before the announcement of surgery. But in less than 30 seconds of Dr. Liu pushing on the belly this way and that, it was done. Dr. Jiang announced with a big smile, "It was successful!" Tears of disbelief and joy trailed down my cheeks.


Then came the mummy wrap. Dr. Liu and Dr. Jiang  wrapped my belly in this bizarre cloth wrap, and said that I needed to keep it on until I had the baby. It was to keep my uterus tight so the baby would stay in position. It's a China thing.

I still had to stay overnight so they could monitor the baby's heart rate, making sure that he wasn't distressed after the big turn. Josh stayed with me. Katty was so sweet to send constant updates and pictures. Danny did great and went to bed with no problem. I felt such relief: such relief that Danny was okay, and such relief that the turn was successful giving me another chance to have the baby when HE was ready. We went home the next morning, and were reunited with Danny.

Tuesday, October 20th

We went in for a check-up, as Dr. Jiang requested. The reception girl, again looked at us puzzled, as we requested Dr. Jiang when she had no office hours that day. And then I thought to call her. Sure enough....

"Hi Dr. Jiang, it's Brittany. We are here at the hospital."
 "I'll be right down."

The baby's heart rate was good, position was good. Then she asked me if we were still against inducing. I said, "We aren't completely against it." That was the wrong thing to say. The next thing I know, she's telling me to come in on Friday for induction, which isn't even 41 weeks yet. I kept asking questions (as usual), but she didn't seem to ever understand what I was asking. Or I'd try to say, something like, "In America, we wait to induce to 42 weeks." I'm really not sure if she didn't understand or just disregarded things I said on purpose. It was getting late and we were all frustrated with each other. So, we went ahead and agreed to come on Friday because I was sick of going around in circles.

Through all of this, you're probably wondering why I'm such a difficult patient. Here's the thing: a lot of times in China, not only in the medical field, things are done because that's just how they've always been done. And no one ever considered that there could be a better way. Josh and I both feel that it's important to question most procedures and tests that they want to do to see if it really is necessary. Because many times, these extra ultrasounds cause a superficial cause for worry, which progresses to unnecessary interventions (ie. inducing labor because the baby seems to be too big which we know because of a superfluous ultrasound that was done late in pregnancy and your estimated due date has passed)

From what I understand, Dr. Jiang's reasons to induce labor are the following:

1. The baby is "too big" because the ultrasound estimates over 4kg (9lbs)
2. She will be on duty on Friday. If we wait, she may not be on duty and we will not have an English speaking doctor (which we weren't expecting anyway)

I was so sick of constantly arguing with her. I felt defeated. I was getting sore and tired of being pregnant. A part of me decided to just give in, do what she said and hope the baby is ready to come out. But the other part believed that the labor would start when the little dude was ready to come. When we got back home, I did some online research to double check all the information we were bantering about. Both the US and the UK generally wait until 42 weeks to induce. My best resource though, is my mother-in-law. With eight births under her belt, I think she knows a thing or two. She agreed that because it isn't "medically necessary," we should wait to induce until sometime the following week.  I was dreading yet another argument with Dr. Jiang. So, with the help of my lovely Bible study ladies, I prayed that I would start labor naturally before Dr. Jiang wanted to induce.

Wednesday, October 21st

Stress was overwhelming me after our last appointment. I prayed and prayed. I looked up natural ways to induce labor. I didn't not want to face Dr. Jiang on Friday afternoon. In the evening, I suggested to Josh that we walk all the way to the the brewery for dinner which is about a 30-40 minute walk. To calm my nerves, I had a nice glass of cider, before walking back home. Then, I decided to shake this baby down even more by walking up 7 flights of stairs to our apartment. I made it to the 4th floor before I was out of breath and riding the elevator the rest of the way. My stomach was firm, and stayed that way all night.

Thursday, October 22nd

I woke up at 7, my stomach still felt like an over-sized bowling ball. This was it, but I didn't believe it. Josh kept asking me, "Should I stay home? Are you starting labor?" I said I didn't know, there wasn't any contracting necessarily, my stomach was just solid with a moderate constant cramp. I guess my body waited for Josh to make the decision to stay home, because once he did, contractions started. We started timing them right away at 7:30, and surprisingly, they were steady.

I still didn't believe it. From my long 3 day event with Danny, I was not convinced that anything substantial was happening. Josh took Danny out for a walk and to get groceries. I watched old episodes of 'The Office" while trying to ignore the fact that the pain was steadily increasing as the contractions continued. By lunchtime,  contractions went from mild to moderately painful. I told myself it was nothing and continued watching Dwight's office shenanigans. I did take a few hot baths throughout the day, and the contractions remained constant (which told me that this was real. If it's not real labor, contractions will slow down in the bath). All day.... 4 minutes apart.... one minute in length.  My birth class told us that you should go to the hospital when you are 4 minutes a part, one minute in length, for an hour. I still wasn't buying it that this was real. But, to be on the safe side, we decided to take Danny to his friend's house at 4:30. The pain had increased to "intense" and at this level, I had to give myself pep talks to get through the pain. Josh took Danny to Louis' house while I hopped into my 4th bath of the day. The hot water did offer relief but the pain was still incredible.

Josh was only walking a few blocks, but while he was away the drama began. In the midst of a notably more painful contraction, I felt and heard a "pop." And sure enough, my water had broken. Instead of being excited, I was terrified. The water was brown, which meant that there was meconium (poo) present and the baby's lungs need to be suctioned to get it out. Like lightning, the pain intensified 1000x and I felt like I was going to push out the baby in the bathtub. I sent Josh a panicked voice note to get home as soon as possible.
In an equally panicked voice, he messaged back that he was rushing home. While I waited, I began packing my bag for the hospital but the contractions were now only two minutes apart and the pressure in my pelvis was so strong and painful. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before.

When Josh arrived, he quickly called a cab, grabbed my huge Ikea bag, and helped me waddle out to the street at 5:30. It's an odd sensation, being in active, painful labor in such a populated city. I was a spectacle. The security guards and pedestrians couldn't help staring at me as they watched me immobilize in excruciating pain every two minutes. A cherry on top of this awesomely pleasant cake. Once in the taxi, the driver focused on the road and acted like he didn't know what was going on in the backseat. For that, I'm thankful. If he would have made jokes about my distress, I would have clocked him. So yeah, I was in the "transition" stage of labor while in a cab during rush hour traffic. The entire ride, I did my best to keep quiet and just ride the waves of the contractions, but I wanted to push him out so bad. Halfway there, I shouted to Josh, "Josh, he's coming! I HAVE TO PUSH!" I prayed over and over again, "God, please keep this baby in until we get to the hospital! Please let us make it!'

The normally 15 minute cab right only took 5 more minutes because (hallelujah!) the traffic was steadily moving. We got out of the cab, and again there were plenty of spectators watching the freak show. Walking into the hospital that should take 30 seconds (again) seemed like forever, I was waddling so slow and awkwardly, I thought the baby's head was already out. Once I was in the lobby, I let loose. I yelled and screamed. While shouting "get it out!' and withering in pain, a handful of nurses managed to walk me to an examination room and a doctor immediately checked my cervix for dilation. Josh thought she said that I was only 2cm. I couldn't believe it. I yelled to him, "Tell them I want a c-section! This can't be. I can't do this at 2, he needs to come out right now!!!" Before I knew it, I was wheeled to a delivery room, and they all shouted, "PUSH!" I looked at Josh in confusion. He misunderstood, I was actually dilated to 8 cm and was ready to push. But the pain was worse that I ever remembered with Danny's birth. I begged for drugs. "Josh, I need medicine. Tell them to get me medicine. I need an epidural, or something!" He assured me that they would get me medicine. An older gentleman appeared and said, "Hello, I'm here to give you medicine." Then he grabbed my left hand and joined the others in shouting "Push!"

I kept waiting for them to say they saw the head, instead, I was told that the head was out. So WHY did it still hurt? What was going on down there? The head is out, the rest of the body should slide right out. What was happening!?!?

As it turns out, the baby's broad shoulders were stuck (called shoulder dystocia). So, with the help of my own feet pushing my butt off the table, 5 or so people helped lift and twist my pelvis, while others pulled and maneuvered the baby out. It took 4 more big pushes and he was out. He was silent. The cord was around his neck and also knotted very tightly. First they sucked the meconium out of his lungs, then they held him upside down by his ankles and smacked him on his back. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard his first little cry. Unlike Danny's birth, they took Xiao Didi away to clean and examine. So I did not get skin to skin contact with him right away like I had requested. But to be fair, in the 10 minutes I pushed him out, no one had time to read over my bilingual birth plan.

So as they're (purposely?) keeping my baby from me as I'm reaching out for him, I've got a crew of nurses pushing hard on my stomach to get the placenta and after birth mess out of me. Then someone had a genius idea and said that I needed to eat something before they moved me to my own room. Um, no. I'm not eating in here with a pool of blood under me. No thanks. They wouldn't let Josh in right away because he wasn't suited up, but they wanted me to EAT in there?

China: Always good for a laugh.

Josh checked me into the hospital after the fact, and then I was wheeled to my own hospital room. And it was there that I allowed my lovely husband to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which I happily ate. As I sat on my hospital bed, I kept looking back and forth from the baby to the clock. Did I really just have this kid in ONE day? Did I really have a baby with no pain medication whatsoever? And the one that I still cannot believe: Did I really give natural birth to an ELEVEN AND A HALF pound baby?!?!

After thinking about how everything went down, I realize that it was quite miraculous that we made it to the hospital in time. If I had tried pushing the baby out at home alone or in the taxi, I would not have been able to get his shoulders out quick enough. It took a lot of help to get him out. His oxygen got cut off briefly, but he was okay. I don't like to think about what would be if it was for much longer. His poor head was very bruised and swollen from all the manhandling and lack of oxygen. And also, because he was so large I had a postpartum hemorrhage and I lost almost one liter of blood. I'm thankful that I had the doctors and medical supplies necessary to make sure both the baby and I were okay.

The doctor on duty was very good. I questioned every thing she wanted to do, and we had to seriously negotiate the slow motion gut punches to get all the blood out. She was accommodating and I tried to be cooperative too. When she and the nurses began to "massage" my stomach they were more gentle than they had been previously. I was put on pitocin afterward to help my uterus contract since it was so large from housing a giant baby.

I was also giving thanks that I began labor naturally and did not have to feel Dr. Jiang's pressure to induce or have a cesarean.

Friday, October 23rd

Around 8 am, Dr. Jiang's shift started. She came into my room shaking her head in disapproval, "Brittany, Brittany. I told you the baby was too big!" Bluffing, I replied, "He wasn't too big, he came out, didn't he? It's fine."

Ok, I admit it. The baby was big.

We had been in the hospital for only 14 hours and were ready to get home. I agreed for another dose of pitocin before leaving, and also that I'd take an iron supplement for 2 weeks. After signing a few papers, we left with our no-name giant baby.

Our big purple blob went a whole day without a name. We actually had been discussing names since we found out we were having a boy, but nothing seemed right. Even looking at his puffy cheeks and purple forehead, no name was suitable. After we settled in at home that night, he finally opened his eyes wide for the first time. I looked and him and thought, he looks like a Benjamin. BIG BEN.

Danny loves his xiao didi

Everyone is healthy and doing well, transitioning to a family of four. My heart is so full!

American Tour '15

Things are just so interesting with kids. I wrote before about my flight with Danny on my lap. I didn't mention yet how the rest of our trip went. Overall, I'd say well. D and I had a whole month to switch time zones and get used to America, so that we were ready to roll when Josh arrived in June. And a busy month it was.

Here's what we did:

Danny got to finally meet his Minnesota family. Also, it was the first time in 3 years that all of Josh's siblings were together.

Meeting Great Grandma D

All together again + some newbies

We just had the best time indulging in comfort food, fresh air, and great company.  Danny got to celebrate the 4th of July in America for the first time. He wasn't scared of the fireworks of course, since that's a weekly occurrence in China.

Going home this year was a bit different. I started to imagine what it would be like to actually live there. There are so many things I've forgotten.

I forgot about sales tax.
I forgot that people can understand me when I speak (this can be good or bad).
I forgot that you don't have to stand so close to someone to prevent losing your place in a queue.
I forgot that Americans don't use the word "queue" and say "to go" instead of "take away."
I forgot how awesome it is to drive a car, and how people obey traffic rules.
I forgot how easy it is to do things.
I forgot how fast and unrestricted the internet is.
I forgot how friendly people can be.
I forgot that it's normal for people wear shoes in their houses.
I forgot how good it feels to breathe in fresh air.
I forgot how big everything is there.
I forgot how much better American Chinese food is than real Chinese food!

Bringing Danny to America for a second visit was completely different than the last time. Last year, he was 3-5 months old. He had just started crawling and pulling himself up, and was very dependent on me. This year he was 17-19 months old. He had the time of his life! One of the first days we were there, he spent about an hour rolling around in the grass. He love love loved the outdoors!

We are still not exactly sure when the magical "Move back to America" date will be. It's hard to know because there are so many different elements to consider.  We have all kinds of goals set for ourselves. And knowing that we may be out of Asia for awhile is great motivation to make the most of our time left here. There's still so much to see, do, and eat!

After a month of trekking between different places, it was great to get back to our own space and our normal schedule. The flight back was great!  Josh and I sat apart so Danny could have a change of scenery for those long hours. And a bonus was that the flight was pretty empty so we had extra seats all around us to spread out! That's never happened to us before! I won't lie, Danny wasn't happy the whole time, but I did get a nice little nap and some alone time. It was just enough to manage him when he was restless.

It was a successful visit home :)

Food Thoughts

Nineteen months in, and I'm still adjusting to the drastic career change from teacher to stay-at-home-mom. I'm getting used to the fact that I have a high energy kid that needs to be intellectually stimulated at all times. I've also accepted the challenges of having a kid in an Asian city rather than an American suburb (it's very different).

I know it sounds weird, but my biggest struggle in all of this is the ability to prepare my family a meal each night.

Being a Midwestern girl, I grew up on a diet of meat and potatoes washed down with a nice tall glass of milk. Yum! Today, research is showing that we don't really need to be eating that much meat, or carbs, or dairy, or gluten.....or whatever. Maybe the food pyramid isn't even the best nutrition guide either.......Whatever.

I'm not that ambitious to have my family eat [insert trendy dietary habit here]. I live in China. Pesticides and food scandals are my concerns. Such as: Is this shrimp injected with gelatin?

Before having kids, Josh and I didn't think too much about the food we ate here. "Oh it's probably fine"or "We won't be eating this long term, so it won't hurt," we'd say.

Our little boy is a game changer.

Maybe in the US, eating organic is better. Sure. I can accept that and a commend those who do it.
My thought (and a lot of others') in China: what's the point in trying to have an organic farm when the soil, water, and air are so polluted anyway. Some claim that these Chinese organic foods really aren't better despite their hefty price tag. I heard a story about a local farmer whose expatriate friends pushed for him to get into organic farming. He told them basically it's pointless to do in China because of the pollution. But then, there was a high demand for "organic produce" so he went ahead and jumped on the bandwagon.

And I'm straight up paranoid. I've seen how food is handled in the fresh market; meat vendors chain smoking over their chopping blocks and coolers. As cliche as it may sound, I once heard meowing in a restaurant's kitchen. True story. Also, I've seen enough cockroaches and rats in this city to last me a lifetime.

Option 1: pay more for "organic" food from China and hope that whoever decided to call it that has integrity.
Option 2: eat local. It's cheap and YOLO right? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger....right? Or sick?
Option 3: buy imported food. Use all the money you have to buy comforts from home and imported fish and meats from all over the world. Again, believing that they are safer than Chinese foods and pretending you don't live in China.

It costs about $16 for one pound of imported ground beef from Australia. Western groceries cost anywhere from twice to five times the cost back home. I'm talking about things like cheese, cereal, canned or boxed pantry items. It's more cost effective to actually go out to a restaurant for spaghetti than it is to make at home.

What regulations does China have on their packaged foods? Is it the same as America and my only real concern is that I can't read the labels? Or do I have to be concerned that expired meat is still being sold? Or that there's melamine in the baby formula? Or... what?

It's hard to not be paranoid. When I think about this, I'm ready to jump on a plane straight back to America and never leave again. It's really stressful! I want what's best for my family, but what is that in this situation we are given? I cannot spend obscene amounts of money to cook the foods that I feel comfortable with (and convinced they are somehow safer). I also don't think it's wise to throw caution to the wind and ignore the harsh chemicals or pollution we may be ingesting with Chinese food.

I'm already counting my blessings that the terrible pollution has not caused my son to have asthma yet. And I'm continuing to pray that our short time here will not affect his health in the long term, in any way.

But seriously, thinking about food freaks me out. Every. day. I've really lost my appetite.

The fresh market in my old neighborhood

Note: I've come up with the above concerns from my own experience, by talking to other expat moms, and you know, Google. Take my advice: don't google Chinese food scandals. There's a wide range of what my other mom friends do here. Some do their best (and have the money) to only buy organic and imported foods. And others don't waste time worrying about the origin of their food and live in the moment. I just wish I could decide what's best for us, stick with it, and not worry about it anymore. In the meantime, I'll just be over here being a spaz.

International flying with a teething toddler on my lap

Do I even need to write anything? Or has the title allowed me to gain your sympathy?

Pre-flight

In the middle of May, I flew with Danny (17 months old)  from Shanghai to St. Louis on my own because Josh had to work (he joined us a month later and we flew back together btw). 

Unfortunately there are no direct flights from Shanghai to St. Louis. We flew 11+ hours to San Francisco, had a 2.5 hour layover, then finished our journey with a 4 hour flight to St. Louis. It should also be noted that we time traveled 13 hours into the past. That's always a hoot.

And also, Danny had EIGHT teeth coming in at the same time. EIGHT. Four were MOLARS.

Below find......

 "Brit's Tips on Flying Internationally with a Teething Toddler by Yourself"

1. Expect the worst: In every manageable way, expect and be prepared for the whole thing to suck. Expect to not get sleep, expect to not watch an inflight movie, expect for a huge poop blowout, expect endless crying. Because, if any or all of it happens, you are totally ready for it.
2. Bring tons of supplies:
1.  For you: snacks and an extra shirt. (This is really all I brought for myself. And some of my snacks were candy as a halfway point reward!) Again, I had no expectation of reading a book on this flight, so why bring the extra weight?
2. For baby: all the old favorite snacks (bring lots), toys, books, electronic devices + charger and external battery. But also bring new stuff (play-doh and crayons were the newest excitement for D on this trip), medicine (no, I did not drug my baby with Benadryl to make him sleep but I did give him Tylenol because he was teething hella bad. Poor guy!), a change of clothes, and double the amount of diapers than you will really need (just in case your flight is delayed or cancelled).
3.   But also, pack light: I checked 2 bags, had a carry-on suitcase, a backpack, a purse, and a stroller. Once the bags are checked, it's pretty easy to manage a backpack and a small carry-on that fits in the stroller basket. The suitcase was a bit annoying to try to roll along with the stroller. And then it was quite a sight when I retrieved my checked bags and had to roll all three of them through customs. But I did it! 
   
4.  Cherish the nap time: D only slept for two 1.5 hour chunks of the flight. I was unable to sleep, but I did manage to relax a little. Every little bit helps.
5. Don't get a soda every time the drink cart comes by: this goes for everyone. Drink lots of water throughout the flight because that recirculating air is dry and nasty. I always feel way worse when I drink a lot of soda or juice on those long flights anyway.
6. Always choose an aisle seat: Seriously. If you are able, also try to reserve a bassinet seat. I never was able to get one when Danny was small enough to fit in the actual bassinet, but this time I reserved the seat. They're near the bathrooms and have way more legroom. But in regards to the aisle seat, you'll need to escape your seat at a moment's notice! And with that said...
7. Go for walks: Those planes that fly internationally are huge and there is plenty of room to get up and do laps down the two aisles.This is probably the very best thing you can do for you, your kiddo, and the other passengers. The planes are so big and loud that you can't hear a baby crying throughout the whole plane. You only hear it in your immediate area, so by all means move around and mix up the people you "disturb."
8. Ignore people's dirty looks and comments: I'm still learning how to do this one..........

 Now I bet you'd like to know how terrible it really was, right?

Sorry to disappoint, but the flight from Shanghai to San Francisco was a dream! Danny was a champion. He spend the first couple hours just taking out and putting back the magazines in the rack. I just really watched him, and if he seemed restless or grumpy, I did my best to head it off by taking him for a walk or offering him a book or snack. He did cry a bit, but it didn't last long. The flight attendants loved him and were impressed with his good behavior and that he was awake for most of the flight.

We arrived late morning in San Francisco, surprisingly bright-eyed. We managed to get through immigration and customs with time to spare so we enjoyed an early lunch while waiting to board our final flight. After 11 hours cooped up on a plane, I couldn't believe he was still smiling and happy.

On American soil!

And it pretty much went downhill from there.........

Once we were on the second plane, also known as an "airbus," Danny was DONE. It was a perfect storm: A jet-lagged baby, a mama who has not slept in about 24 hours at this point, and a tiny plane with no place to walk and 100 faces of disgust glaring at us......It wasn't crying, but screaming for 3 out of the 4 hours.

If I had a nickel for every heavy sigh I heard and eye roll I saw.......grrrrr...... one lady turned around and said in a snotty voice, "Can't you give him something?' and I very rudely replied, "No, there's nothing I can do. We just flew from China, and he's really tired." The only place to hide was the bathroom. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I locked the two of us in the lavatory and we cried together for a long while. I was so tired. Danny was so tired. Fellow passengers were not helping. By the end of the flight, D had cried himself to sleep. Only when we landed, did everyone change their attitudes about us and offer their sympathies. "Oh that poor boy, flying all the way from China. Of course he is tired!" Thanks a lot lady, you can shove it.

And my final piece of advice:

9. Minimize connecting flights and layovers as much as possible: I think we saved a couple hundred bucks by flying into San Francisco instead of Chicago (only an hour from STL)... I don't know, but I don't think it was worth it.

 But we did it! We survived! My little dude is a trooper and so am I. At 19 months old, he already has 14 flights under his belt. Pretty impressive, kid.

Boracay for My Birthday

 When Josh and I first started "being travelers" in 2010, it took a while for me to get into the groove. To do all of the traveling we wanted meant we had to do it cheap. There was no driving with comfy Best Western pit stops until acquired destination. Being in Asia, we've taken trains, buses, boats, tuk-tuks, and pedicabs.  The hostels we've stayed at have cost the price of a movie ticket but often included less than cuddly critters. The long journeys we've taken to see a random something or other took way too much energy than it's worth (ahem, terracotta warriors).

I wasn't so easy going in the beginning. Poor Josh got his share of evil glares and complaints from me as we found ourselves in unfavorable situations. But, I got better. Seeing cockroaches crawl across restaurant walls don't bother me. Squat toilets ain't no big thang.

Fast forward 5 years to a life in China with a baby. We HAVE to change things up a little now, right?
In general, here's how traveling with a baby is different than traveling without a baby:

- Our spending budget for food/rooms has increased (so we can afford the finer things in life, like air conditioning and a private bathroom)

-Our sightseeing itinerary has decreased (let's try to see one famous landmark this trip, k?)

January 28th was the big one. I turned THIRTY! And, my dearest love arranged a wonderful vacation for us. I had two requirements: 1. Out of China. 2. Beach

Our flight from Shanghai to Manila was supposed to leave at 12:30am on Friday, Jan 23... however, we quickly realized that Cebu Pacific Airlines does not have a reputation for being on time. Josh and I took turns lying on the empty chairs at the gate while Danny had the time of his life running around the wide open spaces. By 3:30 am, we were finally taking off. Tropical Paradise, here we come!

I'm sorry that I have no Travel Channel style report for you on the cultural attractions and customs of the Philippines. Instead I have lots of adorable pictures of my son at the beach.

We didn't go sightseeing, we didn't really explore the local cuisine, we didn't do any fun water activities like scuba diving.  We didn't do much at all besides relax and play. It was perfect.

I know my perception of the Filipino people is limited; but by everyone we encountered, I think they are so lovely! It was so surprising when we would walk out to the beach each morning, nearly everyone we passed said "Good Morning." Such a refreshing change from life in China, whew!

Every time we walked by this restaurant the waitresses would run out to play with Danny. We ended up eating there several times because they had "free childcare"

Our trip was very simple. The big event was Danny experiencing the beach and the ocean for the first time, which was priceless. We all had our turn at a stomach bug, so it was a good thing that we didn't have a rigid sightseeing schedule to stick to. On my actual birthday, I enjoyed a nice lobster dinner with my handsome fellas. I really cannot express enough how much I enjoyed our simple little island trip. It was such nice break from the sometimes completely overwhelming city life. It was small, it was quiet, it was happy. It was paradise with the two I love most!

Shanghai's Next Top Model

Did you know that I have been working this year? I got a job teaching English on the weekends. I've actually been teaching since the beginning of the school year, last fall. And I've got a second job managing my son's modeling career. Say whaaaaat?! Oh yes. My son, the supermodel. As much as this mom would love to brag on her son, let me honestly say that it is not a big deal to be a model in China. If you are white, you can be a model. It is that simple. My son is not an extraordinary talent. He just has radiant blue eyes that look like gemstones and glittering golden hair, rare treasures in Asia.

A friend who also has a blue-eyed baby was asked if he could do a modeling job, and they needed another baby, so she gave the agent my number. And then, through other moms and meeting people at jobs, we've gotten quite a collection of agents' phone numbers. Danny was quite a hot commodity for awhile because he was practically the only foreign baby in town for the summer. Everyone else had gone to their home countries. But really, so many of the expat kids do modeling here. It's kind of funny when I look for Danny online and I see all these other familiar faces.

We had our first job back in July, when Danny was 7 months old for an inflatable pool and neck ring. I had no idea what to expect, but it was very easy. We were paid for the whole day but actual camera time was short. It was a good introduction into the modeling world.

Since then, we've had our share of ripoffs but also dream jobs.

I had a couple hard lessons, in which the clients would not pay for our entire time at the job because he wasn't in front of the camera or they took an unreasonably long unpaid lunch break. As an adult model, I wouldn't imagine this is a big deal because you can do whatever you want, play on your phone, read a book, enjoy the break... but there are so many factors involved with working with a baby. You have to plan around naps, feedings, whether or not he's having too much stimulation. It is absolutely not a break for a mom.  This isn't rocket science, people: if the baby is happy and pleasant, start taking pictures and don't stop until the baby tells you he's done. Some of these clients do not get it!

After a couple ripoffs, I learned to fight. It is not my fault that the client was late. It is not my fault that we started two hours later then the time you told me to be here. It is not my fault that the product and set is not ready. You pay us for the time you hired us. *drops mic*

So, those dream jobs I was talking about? Oh you know, the ones where we are paid for 8 hours, but Danny technically modeled for 30 minutes. The rest of the time is spent napping, playing, and getting fawned over by all the assistants and make-up girls. Easy money! But most jobs are only between 2-3 hours. Another easy job for Danny is for crib shoots. "Is it time for his nap? We want him to sleep in the crib" Getting paid to sleep is a dream, right? Getting the baby to sleep is the tricky part for ol' Mama. Hmm, he wakes back up every time I place him in the crib. So, I will nurse him  while leaning over the edge of the crib until he falls asleep. That was hard.

He's modeled for several brands and some small Taobao (similar to eBay and Amazon) shops, and once a furniture store (?). The great thing about modeling these days is that you can find the pictures online! There's no begging the clients or photographers to give you hard copies of the photos. If you know the brand name, you can almost always find the pictures.  It's such a fun treasure hunt. Occasionally, I will search on the two biggest shopping websites in China: Taobao and T-Mall, I've found about 90% of Danny's products online.

How does Danny feel about all this modeling business? Am I the worst mom ever, forcing my son into child labor? Hardly. He loves it. He absolutely loves all the attention he gets. This baby never experienced stranger danger, which I still haven't decided is a good or bad thing. Living here, we cannot go outside without Danny getting his picture taken by strangers on the street. Even in such an international city, some people are still not used to seeing a white baby.

One day we were out for a walk as a family and this security guard would not stop staring at Danny who was sitting on Josh's shoulders. Josh said to him in Chinese, "What? Have you never seen a white baby before?!" And he shook his head and replied, "No, I haven't." I can say with 100% confidence that Danny has had his picture taken every single day of the first year of his life. If not by me or a modeling job, then by less than discreet people on the bus or subway. I get why Michael Jackson had his kids wear blankets over their heads when they went out. MJ, I'm with ya.

Unless I resort to blankets, I cannot help people taking pictures of my son here. It happens everyday, it's inevitable. With the modeling, we can use it to his advantage. Now he gets paid! Danny's steadily growing his very own savings account. And thanks to my sweet boy, for purchasing those additional air cleaners we've been wanting for the apartment ;)

We've had several jobs with the brand Good Baby, which I'd say is the Chinese equivalent to Carter's/Graco/Playskool. Good Baby makes everything baby/kid related. He's modeled clothes, cribs, toys, jumpers, walkers, carseats, and strollers for them. The photographer that always works with Good Baby really loves Danny though. [Warning: here's where I start bragging on my kid] Several times, the photographer puts down the camera, shakes his head in disbelief, and exclaims, "He's so good!" He's also told me that Danny's their best boy and is on the honor roll. Haha. But really, my nutty kid thrives on attention. The more people that are looking at him, the bigger smiles he'll produce. We have a real narcissist on our hands.

 

Two Dannys!

This whole thing has been a wild ride. I've actually modeled twice with Danny. The first time was because of poor planning on the client's part. We arrive at a stroller shoot, and they realized that the Chinese "mom" may not look too convincing with a little blue eyed western boy. So, I get thrown into make-up and we do a few shots. I'm pretty sure they just trashed all those pics because I've yet to find them anywhere. The second time was for a baby carrier. It was really fun! It was even cooler when I found those photos.

I know Danny's modeling career will end as soon as we leave China. For now, it's something fun for him to do and it gets us out of the house.  How funny it will be for him to move to America and realize he's not the center of the universe anymore.

Germany, Part 3: Frankfurt

Where was I????

This is why I used to blog right after an event... things were fresh in my mind. And, in the olden days I took notes along the way to remember details. Efficient note taking and blogging are not in my realm anymore. Instead, I've got a little wild man named Danny who brings destruction and smiles wherever he goes.

Since things are foggy, here are a bunch of pictures.

We picked out a hostel that was in walking distance to the train station, which also meant it was in the red light district. Let me just say, things are not as sleazy during the day!

I have a message for everyone.

*steps up on soapbox*

Meet people from around the world. It is easier than you think. In recent years, my family has hosted several Chi Alpha students from Korea, Japan, and China. I also befriended foreign exchange students in college. In high school, we were able to host a German exchange student from my little town's sister city.

I had no idea that I would go to Korea and not only visit our Chi Alpha student Jun, but attend her wedding! I had no idea that I would find myself in Japan, reconnecting with a dear friend Atsuko, who lived in my dorm in Liberty, Missouri seven years earlier. I had no idea, that I would go to Germany, see our exchange student Katharina after a decade of meeting, meet her fiance and introduce my husband and son to the entirety of her family.

The connections you can make with people from around the world are truly priceless. The knowledge and insight gained from these relationships are incredible. You don't even have to leave your country! But if you do, you'll know people. ;)

*steps off of soapbox*

Life is strange....and also crazy, awesome.

Here's Katharina and Dennis meeting Danny for the first time.

It was wonderful to have Katharina and Dennis as guides. It is so good to have someone from the area show you around in a way that guidebooks can't. You get to hear stories and tidbits, and most importantly, they know what to order at the restaurants!

David and Goliath

Someone's feeling cozy.

St. Martin's Day

St. Martin was a Roman soldier that was baptized then became monk who is celebrated annually for his kindness. We got to celebrate! On the evening of November 11th, children gathered in the church, sang songs and acted out the story of St. Martin with puppets. Then, we all went outside with our lanterns (most children make these at school, but Katharina bought one for Danny) to greet a man on a horse dressed like St. Martin. Danny slept through it all.

Sister City Family

It was too difficult to figure out the logistics of getting our gang to visit Columbia's sister city Gedern. However, we were able to take a short train outside the city, where we got to meet Katharina's family. My parents had met them a few years prior when they went on an official sister city trip. Katharina's parents were thrilled to meet Josh, me, and especially Danny. We also got to meet Katharina's younger sister Alex and boyfriend Matthias. It was a lovely visit, where we enjoyed delicious food, tasty beer (!), and great company.

This and That

Besides visiting with Katharina's family, most of our time in Frankfurt was spent shopping and eating. I ate waaaaaay too many Dunkin' Donuts and I regret nothing.

I was so thrilled to see that Christmas preparation was in full swing. Trees and decorations were up, but we came a little too early to catch the Christmas markets. It didn't stop me from hunting down candy canes and baking supplies to bring back to China.

Brittany runs on Dunkin.

All in all, I'd call this a successful trip. I got a real taste of what "traveling with kids" is like,though I was spoiled with having so much help. Thanks, awesome parents of mine! You can only imagine how sad it was parting ways again after our two weeks together.